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Who's pulling your strings?

 
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copious



Joined: 29 May 2003
Posts: 248

PostPosted: Thu Jun 17, 2004 9:36 pm    Post subject: Who's pulling your strings? Reply with quote

this is an excerpt from a book (Who's Pulling your Strings?)I found quite interesting. It's from an e-library (netlibrary.com) though my local library. If your local library does not register to netlibrary you can get a library card through the oneI use here in Virginia. The wonderful Fairfax county library. http://www.co.fairfax.va.us/library/default.htm

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/library/libcard.htm

    Footprints in the Snow
    Either way, the victim characteristically complains of feelings
    of confusion about what the manipulator’s desires and motivations
    really are. In the context of the relationship, the victim
    often reports feeling unhappy, highly stressed, and full of
    anxiety and worry. Subjectively, victims often feel quite “out
    of control” in terms of their own behavior and emotions, only
    sometimes recognizing that the manipulator is really pulling
    their strings.
    In effect, while the mark or victim may not yet have clarity
    as to the manipulative dynamic or to the role he or she plays
    in the collusion, an experienced clinician certainly can read the
    “footprints” left by the manipulator all over the victim’s emotional
    state. In this sense, while the manipulator may not be
    present for the therapy (although somewhat later he actually
    may join in the therapy process, albeit usually reluctantly), his
    or her identity is recognizable from the proverbial “footprint
    left in the snow” or, more accurately, on the victim’s psyche.
    The Silent Contract
    There is often an implicit or silent agreement between the
    manipulator and the victim not to speak directly about the
    “rules” of their relationship. Part of what the manipulator
    controls is what will and will not be permissible communication
    in the relationship. This is often accomplished simply by
    being unwilling or unavailable to participate in a given conversation
    (e.g., “I’m not in the mood to talk about this” or “I
    don’t have time now to discuss this”).
    Nonverbally, the manipulator simply may convey his or
    her displeasure by ignoring a comment or question, walking

    out, ending a phone call, or otherwise indicating that he or
    she is not receptive to discussion.
    It does not take long for the silent contract to be set. Communication,
    especially as it pertains to the power and control
    dynamics of the relationship, is limited or forbidden. The
    threat of conflict and confrontation looms large to the victim
    for even suggesting that manipulation is taking place. Thus
    the silent pact continues.
    I hear many similar stories from frustrated patients who
    ultimately report being stymied by this type of manipulative
    wall. However, it usually takes a while for the victim to realize
    what has been going on in the relationship.
    When threats are implicit, no direct responses are tolerated.
    In fact, the potency of the implied threat, coercion, or
    intimidation lies in the victim’s inability—or perceived inability—
    to talk about the fact that he or she feels manipulated.
    As long as the real agenda of the manipulator is kept hidden
    or obscured, the pattern will persist. By controlling and
    limiting communication, the manipulator creates mounting
    frustration and eventual hostility in the victim. However,
    without a vehicle for expressing the negative feelings, these
    feelings often become internalized, thereby contributing to the
    process of emotional harm to the victim.
    The Emotional Toll of Manipulation
    In Chapter 10 you had a chance to evaluate the likelihood
    that you are participating as a victim in a manipulative relationship.
    If your score is in the danger zone, you are very
    likely experiencing the negative emotional impact of manipulation.

    Being manipulated means that you are ceding control over
    your own feelings, actions, and even thoughts to someone else.
    Although a manipulative relationship may begin with and even
    explicitly recognize a big gain as its goal or purpose, the positive
    character of the control almost invariably shifts to a coercive
    or negative basis over time. Once manipulation takes hold,
    the lever of control is more closely related to the fear or threat
    of losing the promised gain or to the threat or fear of another
    dreaded or undesirable loss or other negative consequence.
    Recall from Chapter 9 on the mechanics of manipulation
    that negative reinforcement—also known as aversive conditioning—
    while very effective in controlling behavior, does not
    produce a happy or well-adjusted subject. Negative reinforcement,
    punishment, and traumatic one-trial learning are,
    for the most part, fundamentally coercive in nature. And few
    people enjoy being coerced into much of anything.
    If the manipulation includes unpredictable or randomized
    partial reinforcement—you are never quite sure when a
    reward or a cessation of a negative experience (negative reinforcement)
    is going to happen—the very strong and unpleasant
    component of anxiety is added to the victim’s experience.
    The lack of predictability creates high uncertainty that, in
    turn, produces anxiety.
    Thus manipulation is both coercive and anxiety-producing.
    And it is highly frustrating, which, in turn, creates hostility
    and anger. These are toxic feelings that begin to take a
    substantial emotional toll on the victim.
    However, there are other signs and symptoms that victims
    of manipulative relationships develop. Characteristically, victims
    frequently feel responsible for causing these negative feelings and
    reactions in themselves. The self-blame becomes a major feature
    of victim status.

    A closer look at the way manipulation operates, though,
    will help you to understand that the negative feelings are
    understandable and largely even inevitable reactions to the
    stress and frustration caused by the manipulation.
    Let’s take a look at some other common emotional reactions
    to being victimized by manipulation.
    Confusion About the Manipulator’s True Motives
    The confusion that develops in the victim about the manipulator’s
    motives is often an integral part of the manipulative
    control. Recall that the endgame for the manipulator is to
    advance her own self-interests and goals with little or no
    regard for those of other people. However, a skilled and clever
    manipulator will disguise her actual motives, often with disarming
    and effective reassurances, such as “You know I only
    want you to be happy” or “I have only your best interests at
    heart” or “I am on your side—I’m trying to help you out.”
    The victim’s confusion is magnified many times over
    when the manipulation occurs in the context of a family/
    marital/romantic relationship. In such relationships, there
    is a general expectation that love and altruism will prevail
    over the self-centered goals of manipulation. You may not
    expect those who say they love you to manipulate and
    exploit you, so you are likely to use the defense mechanism
    of denial to protect yourself from painful—although ultimately
    necessary—realizations. But some of the most
    painful experiences of manipulative relationships that I
    have seen have, in fact, occurred in families.

    Sometimes the victim’s confusion lies with the manipulator’s
    carefully disguised motives. Other times the victim’s own
    denial and fear keep him from recognizing the manipulative
    methods being used to control him. In such cases, the victim
    is often deeply entrenched and enmeshed in a sustained
    manipulative pattern before he becomes fully aware of the
    negative toll the manipulation is taking on his emotional and
    often even physical health.
    For example, in family or marital relationships, the expectation
    or assumption of love can fog an accurate perception
    of the manipulation that really exists. “I know that my husband
    really loves me,” a depressed wife who had been victimized
    by emotional abuse and manipulation for years once
    told me in a therapy session. “But I am just a constant disappointment
    to him.”
    Such a victim also illustrates the erosive effects of manipulation
    on self-esteem. Frequently, as in this case, these erosive
    effects can cause the victim to internalize the blame and to see
    herself as the main reason that the relationship is problematic.
    When working with patients in this category, helping to
    rebuild their shattered self-esteem is usually a top treatment
    priority—even before helping them deal with the manipulators
    in their lives.
    Confusion about what the manipulator “really means” or
    “truly wants” is the inevitable result of maintaining the silent
    contract to keep the manipulative agenda hidden or obscured.
    When direct communication—especially about the power and
    control dynamics of the relationship—is avoided, the most effective
    tactic for clarification and for ending or reducing confusion
    is crippled.

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copious



Joined: 29 May 2003
Posts: 248

PostPosted: Thu Jun 17, 2004 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This book really gets into HOW and WHY manipulation work. Very interesting when the book goes into how even an animal can be trained using the simple methods of positive,negative,punishmnet, and One Time Trauma tactics. I recommend this book, as it realtes directly to racism and ALL forms of mistreatment.
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Dan Freeman



Joined: 12 Apr 2003
Posts: 651
Location: Wherever I'm sent.

PostPosted: Sat Jun 19, 2004 3:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

very intresting post copious.

Having been "college educated", whatever that means, I have learned one thing if nothing else; White people are not gonna teach you how white supremacy works...Directly

In other words, the "playbook" of the white supremacists are full of codified strategies that are proven, based on the success of the business or racism/white supremacy...

Thing is, they're racist code is so tight, they can 'cut-n-paste' outta the Racist-handbook and use it to solve the problems of their choosing.

Copious your article is one example.

One thing I notice when I examine what white people teach me is that they have the equipment or "methodolgy" for proporley "diagnosing" and "solving" any and all problems.

Unfortunaly, many of them choose to use these talents for other purposes.

Mainly, the mistreatment of people based on COLOR.

smallz
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